THE HORROR OF CATS: A REBUTTAL BY MATT WEINHOLD
One of the most popular animals associated with the supernatural is the cat. Whether it’s the witch's
familiar variety, shape-shifting cats from classic films like Cat People and The Leopard Man
, a symbol of guilt in Edgar Allan Poe’s The Black Cat, or that annoying, overused trope of a
cat jump scare, these furry frighteners have earned their place in the horror bestiary. I mean, what
would Halloween decorations from your local Dollar Tree be without the iconic presence of
a hissing black cat?
But has the spooky reputation of cats led to an unfair and intolerant perception of these elegant and mysterious creatures?
Despite our current fascination with watching kittens acting adorable on YouTube and in those promotional calendars from your neighborhood dry cleaners, it is often forgotten that cats have been maligned and abused throughout our history. Though they were revered in civilizations like ancient Egypt, cats would eventually become associated with demonic entities, leading to horrendous abuse by various fanatical religious movements. In the Vox in Rama, issued by Pope Gregory IX in 1233, alleged satanic rituals were described involving black cats, which definitely didn’t do our feline friends any favors. Cats were burned alive, thrown from towers, and killed during many of the witch trials of the time. It has even been debated that, due to the elimination of cats in the Middle Ages, rats were allowed to flourish, leading to the spread of the Black Death. And if true, imagine how bad the rats must feel?!
The reputation of cats had gradually improved over time, and by the 19th century, the first cat shows began to appear in London. With the growing popularity of selective breeding, cats of every size, shape, and hair length were available to suit every taste.
Cut to the modern day, where Japan has cafes that allow you to cuddle with cats while you enjoy a beverage. And just off its coast, there are entire islands teeming with friendly felines who, although technically feral, live in a symbiotic relationship with the locals. It’s like a happy version of The Island of Dr. Moreau.
So obviously, human beings have turned a corner in their attitudes toward Felis Catus, and all that previous hate is ancient history, right? Well…
Despite an ongoing effort by many human beings to become more humane (baby steps), there is currently no shortage of abused dogs and cats. And although most statistics point to dogs receiving a larger percentage of the mistreatment, it has been pointed out that the harm often comes from neglect, whereas cat abuse tends to be more violent. And, due to the often feral nature of felines, violence against cats also tends to be underreported. Cats can be pretty tight-lipped when it comes to the cops.
Now, if you haven’t picked up on this yet, I’m a cat lover. Throughout my life, with a few exceptions, I’ve had cats as pets. Don’t get me wrong, I love animals in general, but when it comes to a pet that perfectly fits my personality to a T, it’s definitely a cat. Cats are laid-back, they aren’t constantly seeking my approval, and they are generally less clingy. As opposed to a dog, who has to like you, a cat’s friendship is something that you earn. Now, if I were the victim of a home invasion, who would be more likely to defend me from harm—obviously a dog. But why put an animal you love in that kind of danger when you get the job done much easier with a crossbow or a set of ninja stars?
I know that I’m not alone in my love for cats, and as I alluded to earlier, YouTube would crash and burn if it weren’t for cute cat videos. But whenever the “Which do you like more: cats or dogs?” question comes up, in my experience, it usually comes down on the dog side. So much so that even some so-called “clean” comedians feel perfectly fine expressing their disdain for cats, and even joking about physically harming them. We’re talkin’ some real knee-slappers about eating them, kicking them, throwing them, and lighting them on fire. You know, the kind of gags that would’ve made Pope Gregory IX piss his gown.
The other complaint I hear about cats from comedians and civilians alike is how violent they are. I’ve heard people share stories about trying to pet a cat only to have it lash out with its razor-sharp claws, resulting in bloody stumps, permanent paralysis, and a copious amount of pillow crying. C’mon, folks, let’s get real. Your worst cat attack usually ends in several scratches and some hydrogen peroxide, compared to the worst dog attack, which results in stitches, lawsuits, or a playdate with the grim reaper.
To digress a bit, when I was a child of around 7 or 8 years old, I was attacked by the large German Shepherd owned by my then-brother-in-law’s family. Apparently, I made the mistake of walking into the room where the dog and the rest of the family were watching TV and saying, “Hi, doggie!” I wasn’t aware yet that, in dog German, this greeting meant, “Please jump on me and sink your teeth into my throat,” which is exactly what happened. After gnawing on me for a few seconds, the “adults” in the room finally snapped into action and pried the animal off me. Fortunately, my neck had only been badly bruised and the skin had not been broken, but from that day on, I carried a knee-jerk fear of German Shepherds. But you know what? I (mostly) got over it. Because when it comes to bad pet behavior, it’s almost always the fault of the owner.
Speaking of which…
My mother, very late in her life, received an orange tabby kitten from a relative that she named Frankie. Now my mother, who considers herself a cat person—but demonstrably is not—initially adored Frankie. I can attest that this animal was about as friendly and affectionate as a cat could be, and would often be found curled up on my mom’s lap. But as the cat grew older, something changed. Frankie, as my mother described it, would suddenly get a weird look in his eyes and attack her, leaving several nasty wounds. As this kept happening, the cat was eventually forced to live outside, and no one could figure out what brought this sudden aggressive behavior on. But then we found out.
If you don’t know from me talking about her on the show, my mother is the patron saint of all cleaning fanatics. Compared to her, Felix Unger is Oscar Madison. This is a woman who would disinfect the sidewalk in front of our house, pick lint out of our carpet with her fingers (and this is after vacuuming), and once made me climb up the hill in front of our house to remove a tiny piece of scrap paper that was bothering her eyes (thank God we didn’t live in the Tenderloin).
So, keeping my mother’s past neurotic behavior in mind, I can only assume that she expected Frankie to intuitively follow her mercurial rules of conduct. For example, the cat had a habit of scratching the couch in the living room, resulting in a corner of it being torn up pretty badly. When I told my mom she needed to get a scratching post for Frankie, she said she already had one and led me to what might be the world’s smallest scratching post in the corner of a small, often closed-off laundry room. She also explained that she initially let Frankie scratch the couch, until one day, in a flash of misguided inspiration, she decided to start trying to dissuade him by blowing air in his face. So, to cut to the chase, these mixed signals by my mom led to Frankie no longer trusting her and even making her come off as a threat—which she was.
Ultimately, after a few more attacks, Frankie was forced out of her home, placed on a farm where I am told he currently lives a happy life. I hope this is true.
But my mother’s experience with Frankie, and some subsequent research, led me to discover an important fact: cats are never wrong. If anyone is wrong, it’s you. Cats are just behaving like cats—very predictable. And if you care to learn what cats like and don’t like, what scares them, what makes them pee on your socks, and so forth, you’ll end up developing a deep bond with them that is truly life-fulfilling. Hey, if a cat likes you, you gotta be great!
Another fact to keep in mind when assessing a cat is—and this is something my late father never understood—cats are not dogs. Seems obvious, I know, but I don’t know how many times my dad would call their cat stupid when he didn’t come when called. Why didn’t the cat come? Because he didn’t want to. Why would you want to come to a guy who called you “stupid”? Unless you were hungry and that guy had food. Seems pretty smart to me.
Here are a few more great things about cats, in case you lost the user manual:
Cats smell nice - pretty much always. Canines need frequent baths to avoid that lingering dog smell. Cats take care of most of that themselves with their tongues. Like me. At least where I can reach.
Cats are fun - I currently have three cats, and one of them even plays fetch. And as the home videos can attest, cat play can lead to some unexpected and hilarious physical comedy.
Cats are usually quiet - unlike dogs, who bark at the sound of someone sighing in a neighboring country. Quick fact: a cat meows primarily to communicate with humans, not with other cats. And cats like to be talked to. But if a cat falls asleep while you’re talking, that’s actually a good thing.
Cats tend to be wary of children - see! Smart!
Cats love that catnip - I think everyone has a friend who, when they get stoned, becomes ridiculously adorable. For me, that friend is Shawn Sheridan. Catnip seems to have a similar effect on every cat I’ve ever known. Watching a cat trip on catnip is a transcendental moment of sharing another species’ full embrace of the “now.” Forget meditation and sweat lodges. Let your cat show you what it’s like to have your third eye fully opened.
Cats don’t hump your legs - yes, a female cat in heat may need some scratching to help ease their version of Vulcan “pon farr.” Just don’t make it weird.
Cats have their own lives - everything doesn’t always revolve around you. This may be a hard fact to accept, especially for Los Angeles drivers.
Cats live a long time - this is important for someone like me who is easily devastated by the loss of a loved one. I suppose for my next pet, I should look into getting a tortoise. I hear they rarely try to go for your neck.
I guess it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t throw in a few cat “cons,” so here ya go:
Cats have VERY sharp claws and teeth - this is only really a “con” if you’re not being careful. So when your cat wants to do some playful roughhousing, a leather motorcycle glove can prevent you from looking like the victim of a Freddy Krueger action figure.
Cats aren’t great with letting you do things to them they don’t like - clipping their nails, giving them medicine, and getting them into a cat carrier for a vet visit can be a traumatic experience for both of you. But don’t worry—they’ll forgive you. Eventually.
Cats want to scratch stuff you like - your cat sees your Persian rug, your vintage album collection, and obviously your mother’s couch as something for them to scratch. The solution: divert their attention, claw proof your furniture, get them an awesome scratching tree, and hide your vinyl. Although I’m told that like me, cats do their best to avoid Fleetwood Mac.
Cat pee - this one’s a doozy! When, like cat poo, it’s confined to the contents of a litter box, cat pee can be a smell that a disciplined mind can be trained to block out. But when it comes unexpectedly on your pillowcase, it’s a piercing olfactory assault like no other. Just pray it never happens to you.
Cats bring you gifts - this is actually a very sweet gesture because it’s another way that they bond with you. The only downside is that the present can look like a scene from a Fulci film. It’s also a bit tricky when the present is not actually dead. Our cat once brought us a live rat and placed it at our feet. I didn’t notice it until I looked down and saw it sitting there with a look on its face that said, “Is this about The Black Death?” I quickly thanked and praised my cat for this offering, captured the shocked rat in a box, and walked it across the street to a tree in front of a hated neighbor’s house where my wife and I released it. For a moment, the rat gave us what I interpreted as a “Really?” look, and then ran up the tree. Little did our cat know that we turned his intended victim into a rat “final girl.”
Cat allergies - lots of people cite allergies as their reason for not having a cat, but often these allergies can be overcome. I’m allergic to cats (and dogs), but with time and the occasional allergy medicine, I have achieved an immunity. But if a dog even licks me, I break out in welts. That being said, I’ll let a nice dog lick me any day of the week. Yes, even a German Shepherd.
So, there you have it! An adorable basket full of reasons not to hate cats. Is it okay to be creeped out by them within the confines of a horror tale or an All Hallows’ Eve party? You betcha! But if we’re talking real life, let them jump up on your lap and get familiar. Witches, you know what I’m talkin’ about!
